A Real DBA – SQL Server Jokes


Most people says, A DBA is very much similar to a Doctor, though a DBA can neither fix a human heart performance issue nor can restore a damaged body part, similarly a Doctor also can’t not fix a slow running query or can not take a backup  or restore a database. But I agree with couple of things like, Doctors and DBAs get to work on a holiday, they have to be reachable 24/7, 365 days. Their leave gets cancelled due to many reasons. If they go on a vacation, they get phone calls from work. Anytime anything can happen. Others expect a 100% perfect job from them. A small mistake can make a huge loss. No sorry! Not much appreciation! but the best part is, they stay connected with the community and help their respective co-fellow members!

If you are a hardcore database professional, you will find this Q&A session jokes interesting.

Q. What if you are too late to office and the manager catches you?
Ans.  Ad hoc updates to system catalogs are not allowed!

Q. What if your Dad or Mom loses his or her car keys?
Ans. Parent keys not found.

Q. What if you see the theatre full when you go to a movie?
Ans.  Maximum number of users exceeded.

Q. What if you don’t get a table in the lunch room?
Ans. There is insufficient system memory in resource pool

Q. What if you dial a wrong number from your phone?
Ans. Object does not exist or the name specified is incorrect!.

Q. What if you need to go on a diet?
Ans. ALTER DATABASE command failed.

Q. What if you are tall and try to adjust into a mini?
Ans. The select list for the INSERT statement contains more items than the insert list. The number of SELECT values must match the number of INSERT columns.

Q. What if your old girl friend spots you with your new girlfriend?
Ans. Normalization error in the node. Rule contains more than one variable.

Q. What if the golf ball doesn’t get into the hole at all and then you find the hole already contains no space inside it?
Ans. Cannot insert explicit value for identity column in table when IDENTITY_INSERT is set to OFF.

Q. What if you try to freak out with somebody else’s girlfriend and being kicked out?
Ans. Insufficient privileges on the specified object.

Q. What if you don’t get any response from the girl next door and her Brother hits you?
Ans. Operand type clash: datatype is incompatible.

Q. What if you get response from the girl next door and from her sister too?
Ans. SELECT INTO returns too many rows.

When did God create the DBA ? Ans. The day before he had his rights revoked.  😆 

Prasad Sahoo

Prasad Sahoo, is an enthusiast of Microsoft technologies in general and a passionate database professional, mainly focusing on SQL Server performance tuning and business intelligence. He has contributed a long time of his career working on SQL Server and other RDBMS. If he is not busy with SQL stuff then he must be watching some Hollywood movies.

One thought on “A Real DBA – SQL Server Jokes

  • October 11, 2014 at 5:21 pm

    Question: How many DBAs does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Answer :Five, one to propose a change, three to criticise the expected performance, and one to implement the change- which requires a forceful upward screwing motion.


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